We live in a society where people are challenged not just physically but also emotionally and mentally. You seem to be happy to the exterior world yet you are deserted from within. You are drifted away from the true crux of you and the saddest part is no one even knows the extent of trauma, the emotional and mental abuse does to you. The wounds are unseen masking your true self.
A very such nature of abuse is the narcissistic abuse that we get to encounter every now and then in our daily lives be it the work place, friends, family, your spouses yet being unaware. We fall prey to their silent tactics, become vulnerable and by the time, we get to acknowledge their behavior, damage has had already been done.
To better save oneself and from the venomous traits, you tend to know what this abuse really is and how can we create boundaries. The abuse happens to occur with no particular alarm or sign unlike when you suffer from a disease, you get to have the signs for it. Narcissists are individuals who manipulate and exercise their power in order to feed their ego and control the victim, often leaving them in chaos, isolated and questioning their identity.
It can take a toll on your mental sanctity and self-esteem. Mocking and criticizing goes beyond to a point that it tears you apart. Your feelings go dismissed leaving you in turmoil, making you insignificant, thus you get to lose the essence of life. The narcissist might mock and criticize you to tear down your self-esteem. There are certain maneuvers that they use to get the control over the victim such as gaslighting and guilt-tripping that eventually makes you question your own ability and surrender to their demands.
However, what makes it unbelieving is the fact that such abusers are capable of being the utmost generous, well behaved and wears an aura of love and care. They would try to win you by using their soft and sweet gestures and wisely chosen of words and apologies. Thus, keeping you in further misperception and doubt leaving you being lured and shattered.
This abuse can be present in various relationships including family, romantic partners, friends and colleagues. Irrespective of where this sort of abuse occurs, identifying the red flags of abuse and understanding their patterns is essential
This abuse is not constantly apparent especially if the abuser is someone you trust or respect. Therefore, it is very essential to watch out certain strategies which includes:
Gaslighting: is when the abuser manipulates you to reserve your insights or memories. The manage to achieve this by contradicting facts or garbling the reality.
Love-bombing and devaluing: abuse typically revolves around a pattern of pouring you with unnecessary fondness and then endeavoring to tear down your self-esteem.
Constant criticism and belittling: abuser many unfairly criticize and undervalue you, your actions, humiliate you and belittle your achievements.
Shifting blame: Rather than taking responsibility for their mistakes and shortcomings, the narcissist will find a way to blame you or other people.
Concealment of affection: love or approval is expressed when you surrender into their demands which they intend to restrain to make you feel nervous and fearful, thus dominating over you.
Seclusion from family and friends: you will be isolated from all sources of social support for instance, they would create circumstances that would leave you with no friends and inspire you to cut off ties with your closest friends and family.
Financial abuse. You will have limited access to financial use and be solely dependent on the abuser for financial resources thereby, restricting your independence
If by any chance you get to encounter such abuser in your daily routine and are already entrapped in their manipulative web, make sure to speak to a Licensed/ accredited therapist who could aid in helping you with anxiety, depression, difficult relations and much more.
Getting help can make you understand the cycle of this narcissistic abuse that inclines to follow a system including phases of idealism, depreciation, disposal, and then hoovering.
In the initial phase of idealism, narcissist can appear to be very attractive and considerate. Lets say, you are hired into a new job where you are welcomed and appreciated by your narcissistic boss or it could be your romantic partner who compliments you daily at the start of a relationship or make you feel heard.
Depreciation: their conduct suddenly shifts where that narcissistic boss starts to disapprove you unnecessarily and degrade you in front of your colleagues. That narcissistic lover brings in unnecessary fights and neglects your emotions and sentiments where you feel gradually feel hurt and irrational for trusting them.
Disposal: abuser withdraws and leaves you making you feel unvalued or uncared eventually being lonely. This ought to be challenging since you become habituated to rely on the abuser for resources such as finance or housing. The abuser eventually deny any abuse could have ever occurred and instead puts the blame completely onto you, or slander you publicly. They question your stability and make you the root cause of the troubles in relationship.
During this hoovering phase, narcissist would pull you back in the abusive relationship by nagging or suddenly praising you again. Perhaps a narcissistic boss would reward you unexpectedly or an ex-lover would make an attempt to win you back by re-establishing contact. They would render you help at times of need presenting themselves as a savior or would also offer an apology for their past behavior expressing their regret over it. If they eventually manage to successfully hoover on you, this starts off the cycle again.
The narcissist abuse cycle can be full of chaos and brings you immense emotional damage. The constant giving in and setting back in the relationship is very devastating where you tend to lose a sense of sanctuary. It makes you void of healthier connections leaving you in distress and remorse. You experience very low self-esteem where you oscillate between wanting the love and happiness and doubting yourself if you actually deserve it. You blame yourself even though you are not at fault. Thus, leading to anxiety and depression with fear overlapping you with sense of futility and despair. You are inclined to develop post traumatic stress disorder, a mental health condition that occurs due to long term or consistent trauma.
Even after cutting off your connection with a narcissist, you might have difficulty trusting new people. Maybe you feel hypervigilant, always on the lookout for emotional danger. Or perhaps you socially or romantically withdraw entirely, feeling like opening yourself again is too risky.
The prime concern is to deal with active narcissistic abuse by taking certain steps in order to protect yourselves and approach towards a healthier mode of life. It is essential to identify and name the abuse since there are high chances that you might be tempted to refuse the abuse or give an excuse to their behavior. You should instead take time to mirror every other thing that affects your physical and mental wellbeing by enforcing boundaries. Communication plays a key role where you can effectively acknowledge the behaviors you don’t tend to tolerate and be vocal about the hurtful insults. Implement no contact or low contact strategies where ever possible which might include few to no phone calls or limited conversations with an abusive family member or minimizing interaction with your narcissistic co worker
You can shape yourselves socially where you can seek support, reach out to friends, family members, and other loved ones. They can extend you their support and resources breaking of all the shackles that sets you free from your abuser. One has to practice self-care by prioritizing such activities that boosts your mental and physical like exercising, sight-seeing, hanging out with friends, partying etc. Recovery and Healing is itself a journey and always a possible escape out from the draining abuse. It is significant to rebuild your worth and identity by exploring customs that defines your values, boost confidence and enables you to pursue your goals that is important to you
Therapy and working up on traumatic and emotional pain is another crucial phase where you need to reach out a mental health professional. You can opt for an online platform and connect with a licensed professional. Recovery can not happen over the night but gradually with the right support, you begin to feel empowered and heal again.
The author is BDS, MDSc., PhD scholar, Senior Lecturer, Baqai Dental College, Baqai Medical University